Not much to say about this except I hate McDonalds, I hate Big Macs, I want to flay Ronald McDonald so that unwitting mother’s see him for what he really is, a scary, asshole clown, who is also a robot made of condoms and thousand island dressing!!!

Who doesn’t love a circus peanut? Most people gasp when I take out a creamy, mallowy, orange yummy nuggets — and throw it at the window and then the window breaks. C-r-r-r-r-rash. These things are closer to plastic than any other fast food — and also plastic.

They are also totally natural. The ingredients of a circus peanut are: Polychloro-Pentabromide, Cyclohexane, Amyl Nitrate, and Sugar. Organic!

Everyone loves the tasty bites that are Swedish fish. It’s one of my first actual memories, eating Swedish fish after my mom got off work in the Student Union at SUNY Oswego. That would put me at about 2.5 years old.

I put a fish in each fold of the punch bag. It took a while to line up. We left it in the living room for about 3 weeks and it exploded during the Miami Heat / Los Angeles Laker Christmas day game, because the fish acid ate through the rubber and we were all cheering D-Wade kicking Kobe’s add.

Kids, never put a Swedish fish in a condom if you’re going to have sex for 3 straight weeks. The candy may degrade the integrity of the condom and make you pre-mature parents.

This is an entire can of Alpo Beef Chunks. I put the lip of the rubber around the can and there was this weird pressure thing that happened and dog food sprayed me. So, no one can ever say I don’t believe in my art. I took the pictures before washing it off. There was also some on the ceiling - drip - drip - drip. How dogs eat this crap is baffling. It’s like McDonald’s for dogs, poor dogs.

“Sir would you like spicy or original?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Next thing you know in it went. I totally love KFC to death, though I rarely eat it ever since Miltron Nolan told me about this dude who died and had a thick, multi-pound slug of Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil in his Colon. Colon … Colonel words that bear a striking resemblance to one another, coincidence or conspiracy?

Normally the lube on the condoms makes it hard enough to stuff things into them, adding the grease from the 4 legs made it even harder. The biscuit was an afterthought crushed by the elasticity of the tube.

Mamma Mia that’s a nice, ripe eggplant purchased from the 23rd street fruit and vegetable stand. Pretty much any time someone tells you that they’re too big to put on a jimmy hat, refer them to this here picture. The condom hole is about 1 1/4 inches in diameter, which puts the eggplant at ginormous. Another amazing feat of technology is that the resevoir tip is still intact and ready to accept the seed of the eggplant.

This here is an ear of corn that I couldn’t stand to waste after taking the picture. It was sweet crunchy and summer-delicious, although it did have a tell-tale lil’ extra latexy taste to it. I wasn’t gonna let it go to waste.

This is a tin of shredded sardine bits swimming in a not-so-big sea of tomato sauce. Has anyone ever eaten one of these tins of fish? Someone must have. I don’t know anyone (OK, a couple of people: Noona, Paul) that can stomach fish out of a can.

I would not recommend eating at ANY Chinese food and doughnut shops San FranDisco.

Why?

Because the doughnuts are fried in the same oil as the fish. I bought these at the 24th street BART station and did not eat them. The last time I actually ate something from the place I got tunnel vision and puked on the sidewalk walking home.

But dropping $2 on props isn’t so expensive and they were easy to grab and go (much like your Mother).

I swear to you I didn’t eat these (Ask your Mother). I mean I didn’t eat all of them. Ok, busted.

Not really.